Happy Friday. Today is officially the last day of summer, I have already said my final goodbyes to the sun and I have begun to mentally prepare myself for the amount of hot chocolate I will be consuming while laying in my comfy pj’s and my fluffy socks. As I have seen on Twitter, so many of you are absolutely buzzing. Mental! So tell me, what exactly are you hyped up about? Is it the fact that the leaves are slowly falling off the trees creating gorgeous burnt orange paths, or is it Halloween? I am not a huge fan of Halloween so I am praying that it is the leaves.
This summer has been the best summer of my life. I may not have completed the things that I so desperately wanted to but what I did do, was go on a journey and I have learnt more about myself then I thought possible. I have become such a different person and in the best way.
I was always scared to go out on my own, just in fear my sexual assaulter was walking around, I knew deep down that he wouldn’t be but I had convinced myself that he could be. The only way I would go out on my own is if a) it wasn’t dark and b) the person I was meeting would either meet me half way or pick me up, if they wasn’t prepared to do either then it was a no go zone. I was afraid of the place that I live in, the lace that I have lived in for eighteen years. To walk to the shop, I had to force either one of my siblings to walk with me or my mum, if they wouldn’t then I wouldn’t go to the shop. I was a mess.
Now, I can freely walk around. I still get someone to walk to the shop with me but that’s only because I don’t want to have another awkward encounter with my ex. Not only am I no longer afraid to walk around my own village, for the first time in 5 years or more, I actually went into town without having an anxiety attack. One of my best friends Saskia drove down and we headed to town. I don’t think I freaked out at all. We went and sat inside McDonalds which I was a little nervous about because I don’t know what I would have done if I saw him or his family. But everything was good, we sat in there and I was able to relax even with kids running around and screaming. We then headed the park that’s in town, another prime place that he or his family could be. I tried to not think about it, instead I took some pictures for my photography and enjoyed a catch up with Saskia. We headed back to mine after doing a school run, but I honestly can’t even begin to put into words how proud of myself I felt. I went into town, went to the school, went to drop her brother off at the hairdressers and then I had to go through the village that he lives in and stop at a garage that I know he frequently visits. I didn’t freak out once, I kept myself calm and distracted and just focused on spending time with Saskia rather then ruining it by having an attack.
I have also made new friends and actually met them. I have always had the fear of meeting up with boys that I haven’t met before, but this time I felt confident and I knew that if I met them it wouldn’t be anything like my fears. I had met one of them last year and he was super chill and cool so seeing him again wasn’t so weird. The other boy is his best friend and I am not going to lie, he is hot as hell. Also another little secret, I fancy the pants of him! I literally get so happy when we talk, not that we do it very often anymore, but seriously, he is literally so good looking. He has the cutest smile too, and I have learnt that he has different smiles, which are all cute obviously but yeah, I like him.
I have become a lot braver to say what is on my mind. Usually I just bottle things up and I let people walk all over me, I would have been too scared of confrontation then to actually stand up for myself. Now, I am totally different. If you make me feel uncomfortable, I will be telling you and the reasons wh. If you are being rude, I won’t be rude back because that doesn’t make me any better, instead I will straight up ask you what your problem is and ask if there was any need to be rude. Honestly I will stand there all day and question your motives if I have to. I can’t stand rue people, there is no need for it. My old boss spoke to me on the phone last week and she asked why I quit and wanted to be honest with her, so I was and she didn’t know what to say next. I told her that the way she spoke to me was rude and that she made me feel as though I was incompetent when I am not, all she could respond was, “okay, I’ll see you on Wednesday for our meeting” and put the phone down.
Recently on Twitter I have seen a lot of bashing. People are bashing transgender and how “it’s not right”, people are still bashing gays and bisexuals too and I have written a post already on it which you can read here if you’re interested in reading my views. I do plan on writing another one if that is something you would like to see? I don’t often post controversial things, I usually stick to things that wont get much hate such as my beauty posts or DIY’s etc.. I think now is the time to step out of my comfort zone and actually express my feelings on topics. If I can do this in person then I should be able to do this on the internet.
I have worked my absolute arse off this summer to become a confident person. My confidence has always been low, I have never felt good about myself and I have always almost resented myself for the way I look, but that has changed. I am not one hundred percent there yet, I still have things that I absolutely hate about myself, but those are things that I can’t personally change, if I was to change them, I would need to go through surgery and that is something that I never want to do, because I don’t want to feel as though surgery is the only way I can be happy when in reality a strawberry milkshake from McDonalds makes me very happy. I have done so much for my body and I am starting to notice the change. I have always been “fat”, well ever since I was 7 when I found out about my problem. Dieting has never been hard for me, eating less doesn’t bother me at all, it just didn’t work. I was doing everything right, eating less, exercising, keeping my fluids up but nothing changed. I was then put on medication because my problem was getting worse and the side effect of that is weight gain, so I have literally been fighting a loosing battle. My problem is again showing signs of becoming worse so hopefully I can get a solution when I go to the hospital on the 28th. Anyway, I am trying dieting again and this time I am cutting back on the amount of dairy I consume, I am a tea addict so this has been hard because I love a milky tea, but instead I have opted for peppermint green tea which is 1) tasty af and 2) great for weight loss. I have also been taking vitamins because I know that when my problem flares up again, my iron levels go a little crazy. I have lost a stone and a half already which I am so happy about, unfortunately on bad days my weight does go back up but as I said I am fighting a loosing battle.
I have changed my appearance a lot too. I felt as if this would boost my confidence seeing as my weight isn’t exactly something I can control. I am taking more pride in the way I look. Back when I was feeling like shit, I wouldn’t put any effort in so I would look shit too, but now, whether I like it or not, I am up and out of bed by 10am, washed, dressed and make-up done. My style of clothing has changed a lot too, I was a huge lover of things that were sizes too big because that way I could hide my “fat” and no-one would notice. Now, I buy things in the right size and I buy things that won’t hide my “fat” but instead hug it and make it look good. I have added a lot more colour into my wardrobe, wearing black 24/7 was just adding to my gloomy mood and it just wasn’t a flattering colour. I have also been wearing skirts and dresses which is like a huge deal. I should get an award for that because never in a million years did I think I would be putting them on again. I now take the time to do my make-up. I don’t just put it on I a rush and then leave. I actually blend things in, mix colours and make my make-up centre of attention. I have absolutely nailed the dramatic look. Kind of matches my drama queen personality.
Speaking of drama, I have been the bigger person, quite literally and metaphorically. There has been on going drama since I was in year 7 and people like to hold a grudge which when you think about it, holding a grudge for that long is really sad and a tad bit pathetic but each to their own I suppose, Anyway, the girl that had the problem with me is friends with two of my friends so when they mention my name around her, she gets all defensive and has the whole story of how I am an utter bitch and how I have ruined her life ready to spill so obviously they tell me the whole story and it hasn’t changed at all, well apart from the new part that I stole her boyfriend when in fact, I wasn’t interested in him at all, to be honest, he kind of scared me a little but anyway, I finally put an end to it. I admitted that I am a bitch, because I can be, I can say things that will melt your heart and I can say things that will crush you, it all depends on what you’ve done. I fully admitted that our friendship ended on shitty terms but I wasn’t going to say that I ruined her life because that’s just total bullshit. She came out of the whole friendship smelling of roses and everyone thought she was an angel when in fact, most of our issues stemmed from her. I told my friends that spending so much time hating someone is just a waste, so no I don’t hate her, no I don’t dislike her, she is a part of my past so I wish her well in everything she does, but no, I do not wish to ever become her friend again and no I don’t wish to see her again. My friends then told her that I don’t have an issue with her and that its all her problem and now she has unblocked me, which I actually find quite annoying. At least she now knows how I actually feel, she can do whatever she wants with that information, I don’t care.
This summer I have spent my time doing the one thing that I love the most. Any chance I have had, my camera has been out and I have been working hard on my photography. I have made an Instagram for my photography so head over and follow it if you’re interested in seeing my work. Due to having pictures from my blog taken and then classed as their own, I have added my name onto them so no-one can steal them. My photography use to be shit, probably worse then shit but I can’t think of a word for that. It would be blurry and not really focused on anything particular, it was if I was taking a picture for the sake of taking a picture. Now I find things worth capturing. I came across a butterfly bush while on an adventure, I spent a good half hour or more capturing shots of them. I also have many landscape photographs. I have determined that I am more of a nature photographer then anything else. I would love to try to do a shoot though, just to see if I was any good at taking pictures of people. I wanted to go to college to study photography but when asking people on their opinion they said that it was more of a hobby then a career so I have kind of gone off that idea.
Don’t get me wrong, my summer as you have read so far has been the best and I am so thrilled that I have done everything above, but I didn’t spend everyday in a field of wild flowers loving life. I had some real deep rough days. I had days where for no reason I would feel like I should self harm. Thankfully I didn’t but I did have those constant thoughts. I had days where I would cry non stop, I felt suicidal and planned how I would die. I was a mess. I had no-one to truly open up to, I couldn’t tell my parents because they had enough going on and my friends are so judgemental on this issue. I only have one friend that truly understands why my brain is fucked but unfortunately he was away working at the time I was feeling like this so I had no where to go. I’m not telling you this to get sympathy, I am telling you because this was a huge part of my summer. By summer I don’t mean the six weeks you had off school, I mean from June, July, August and September. These feelings are a huge part of me.
Four years ago, after my assault I began to write all of my emotions out into poems, I loved writing poems because before my assault I would write them all the time and I even had a few published into books. After my assault my poems became dark and I fell out of love with writing, it was a reminder of what I had been through and I hated it. After studying creative writing at school, it inspired me to start writing again. Obviously I post a lot on my blog, but what I post on here isn’t always a true representation on who I am or what I am feeling. My creative writing teacher Miss D was so supportive. I had to write a story as part of my coursework and her feedback was always the best. It’s all thanks to her that I am continuing the story and turning it into a book. I don’t know if it will just be a book for me to put into my memory box once I have completed it or if I will make sure it gets out there for everyone else to read. I have also written a lot of poetry, I have expressed myself, my thoughts and just normal everyday situations and I have felt amazing doing it. I always feel a surge of energy whenever I do a lot of writing so I am happy that I decided to work past my inner thoughts and put pen to paper to create some amazing pieces.
This summer really has been a highlight of the year, after starting off on a very rocky path of being kicked out of school and then having no sense of direction and no motivation, I think I can safely and proudly say I pulled it out of the bag and turned things around. I am finally grabbing this year and making the most out of it, because I have learnt that it only takes one day to change everything, it takes one mistake to mess everything else up and it takes only one move to change things from good to bad. I found a quote that has stuck by me and that is “ever story has a happy ending, if you’re not happy, its not the end”, and it’s true. Only you can decide if the story is over or not, so why just settle with the average when you can make it the best. I wasn’t happy so I took that on board and did everything I could to make myself happy, and as I have already told you, it wasn’t always a smooth path, but I have ended this feeling things that I didn’t know I would be feeling. This is by no means the end though, my story still has many pages to go. Autumn is a new season, bringing new months and new leads to follow. I can’t wait to show you what I can get up to.
That is the end of my very long post, thank you for reading and I hope your summer has been as great, if not even better then mine.
Stay safe, stay happy and live life as an adventure.